Squirrel!!!

Today's theme is willingness:

I am trying to develop the discipline to spend the very first part of my day in prayer and meditation.  for 21 days, (and then hopefully forever), I will get up, put the coffee on, and then sit down on the couch and read the bible.  Then pray and finally, meditate (listen) for God's word.  Meditation is hard for me, because my mind always seems to be racing in a bunch of directions.  I call that 'squirrel-ling'.  You know, like when you are walking a dog which seemingly is content to trot along, going with the flow until suddenly a squirrel shows up on the scene.  Then, it's all Squirrel!!!! And off we go, chasing that squirrel until it's out of sight.  Then another one pops up and we're off again; and then another, and another, etc. etc. Seemingly there are a lot of dang squirrels in my head. I think I was chasing one just now.

ANYWAY...

So, I am taking the time each day to connect with God - developing my conscious contact with Him, through prayer and meditation so that I can begin to re-focus my energy from the negative to the positive.  Additionally, I am praying just before I fall asleep at night, in order to quiet my mind (the squirrels never seem to take a break) and prepare my brain for rest. I have developed the very bad habit of using my bed as a place to worry and fret.  Even though the most recent source of worry is behind me, I'm finding it hard to relax myself. That's a work in progress.

One thing I did think about yesterday is the concept of turning my life and will over to the care of God.  In the bible, we see words like master, obey, serve, servant; words that have a negative connotation for me.  Images of slavery and oppression keep coming to mind.  So, I took some time to meditate on that, asking God to help me reconcile myself to the terminology.  Words such as loving Father, beloved child came to me as alternatives and I can definitely get on board with that.

I am a wilful child!  Stubborn to the core, wanting to be in control of all the decisions, and thinking of free will as a ticket to getting my own way and by-passing God in the process of obtaining a goal. But God did not give us free will in order for us to manage ourselves.  Rather, He gives us the opportunity to discover that His will for us is infinitely better than anything we can come up with on our own.

So, if I am choosing to turn my life and will over to the care of God, I must do more that hand over my defects of character; I must also give Him my assets too. For, my own human estimation of my positive qualities may be overly inflated and therefore any need for improvement will be overlooked.  When I think that I am a genuinely caring, empathetic person, I see no room for improvement.  But when I give him that quality, I become aware that I am apt to absorb another's pain as my own; a destructive tendency which if overly used will lead me to emotional exhaustion.  It's like I want to play God, thinking that I have all the answers, when I know darn well that His will for that person is on a whole other level than my own.

So, knowing that my wilful pride and desire to do everything on my own, in a misguided attempt to please and impress others; I now realize that turning my life and will over the care of God is a very good thing to do. My willfulness brings me to a place of fear and guilt which feed off of each other. If I give myself to God, He will  reveal my defects of character in a way where the wounds will be exposed, but the dreadful debris caused by fear and guilt will be drained off and I will finally experience a super natural healing by the hand of God. I can already feel the healing  and the relief from torment. What a blessing.

God, thank you for my healing.  Thank you for holding me in the palm of your hand and gently but firmly guiding me on the path of Your choosing. Your plan, Father, not mine.  Your will be done.  Amen.

It's me, Jan