It is not my intention to come off as sanctimonious here. My first thoughts on this morn of Thanksgiving, as I drift back back into consciousness from my turkey-tryptophan-roasted potatoes and gravy-cranberry sauce-pumpkin cheesecake induced coma, is to be thankful that I get to stay home today and recover from 24 hours of cooking and baking and the 60 minutes it took to chow down on the resulting mountain of food. My body is still in shock from the sheer volume of calories, grams of sugar, and fat that I consumed in one sitting. I'm hung over from abundance and my biggest challenge today is figuring out how 2 people are going to use up leftovers that would feed a family of 5. And it slowly dawns on me that, except for saying Grace last night, I left God out of the equation - again - and simply used this statutory holiday as an excuse to gorge myself and have a paid day off. Every Thanksgiving of my entire adult life has been the same. Sad but true.
This morning, despite my bloated belly and calorie saturated brain, I still managed to curl up on the couch for my daily devotions. As Thanksgiving was the theme, I entered into a stilted prayer of thanksgiving, with the intention to acknowledge God for His many blessings. Somehow it all seemed so hollow and pretentious. As I searched for the words to give thanks, I suddenly felt convicted and was reminded that as undeserving of Grace that I am, His love for me is everlasting. God loves me no matter what, even when I crash the car.
I am an insecure person, who fears rejection and lives in constant worry that I am going to disappoint people. However, I have come to learn that in God, I need not fear disappointment or disapproval. He made me, warts and all, and is never surprised or ashamed of my thoughts, actions or behaviours. What a strange experience it must be from above, watching me navigate myself throughout each day, zigging and zagging, bumping into problems, getting stuck in corners and side swiped by past, present and future worries that chase me throughout my waking hours and into my dream life. It would be like watching bumper cars at a carnival - me in the little blue car, under the illusion that I have full control with no need of help, and consequently getting slammed into, cornered and every once in a while making a break for it, only to hit a brick wall. Yet, He patiently waits for me to come back to Him, admitting that I've done it again; admitting to my willfulness, and asking for forgiveness. He, in His infinite loving grace and mercy, gets me through another day. I can't earn His grace, and I don't deserve His mercy, but He gives it freely, because I acknowledge Him as my saviour.
I mess up and fall everyday; and on most days, I begin and end my day thanking God for all the things I do not deserve but received (His grace) and all the punishments I do deserve but did not receive (His mercy). Thanksgiving is meant to be an expression of gratitude to God and that means, that everyday is a thanksgiving day...I'm just glad that we don't have to celebrate it with a turkey dinner.
God loves me, even when I crash the car.
It's me,
Jan
