Ouch!

Today’s theme is healing

My ego is bruised

Heart aches but is not broken

My soul awakens

I was going to write about forgiveness today, however I cannot summon up the motivation to go there – yet.  Forgiveness is letting go of the need for revenge and releasing negative thoughts of bitterness and resentment. Before I can write about forgiveness, I need to acknowledge that I am hurting, and spend some time meditating and praying about that.

So, instead of writing about forgiveness, I choose to examine my pain.  This is really hard.

My ego is bruised.  This I freely admit.  One of the greatest motivators in my life has been to obtain the approval of others.  Sadly, this desire is diametrically opposed to a lack of self-esteem. So, the outcome of any attempt to be loved, lovable, adored, admired, etc., is that my ego, the part of my mind that mediates between the conscious and the unconscious and is responsible for reality testing and a sense of personal identity, argues with the other voices in my head.   It’s like one of those dysfunctional family reunions where all hell breaks loose over an imagined slight or insult.

What is the cure for a bruised ego?  Well, for one thing, I need to accept that it’s o.k. if not everyone loves me.  Jesus loves me, my husband loves me, my mom and dad love me, my kids love me, my siblings love me, and those I count among my friends love me.  I am beginning to take a liking to me…that is all that matters.

I have crossed paths with countless people in my life.  So many, that I can’t possibly remember their names, details or why our life paths intersected, nor the outcome.  But I must admit that some of these people expressed genuine gratitude for the impact I made in their life.  To all those who are better for having connected with me for whatever reason, I accept your love and appreciation and wish you well.

I have annoyed the living crap out of some people in my life.  Among these are my family and friends, co-workers, and perfect strangers. I thank God for their capacity to forgive and forget.  They sometimes annoy me too, and I try not to sweat the small stuff where they are concerned and we always get back on track. Some  people are just determined to be haters.  To all those who insist on being annoyed with me forever, I wish you well.  Sorry it didn’t work out. This is your notice of eviction – you are no longer welcome to live in my head rent-free.

Another cure for a bruised ego is to actively participate in mediation between my conscious and unconscious – taking an inventory of all current beliefs, and throwing out that which no longer reflects my true me-ness.  Time to clear space for what is real and authentic. The rest can be sent off to the garbage heap or to Value Village.

Finally, Ego, please understand that when someone says “no” or “you’re not my type” or “not today or even ever”, they are not necessarily sitting in judgement of you.  Probably, whatever causes them to choose not to benefit from participating in a healthy relationship has much more to do with their own ego issues, rather than yours.  Wish them well and let it go.

My heart aches but is not broken.

What is the cure for an aching heart?  Well, for one thing, breaking down the walls that I have built over the course of my lifetime, or at least, knocking out some bricks so that I can experience God’s light and love; and allow people to reach in and hug me now and again.  Heart = love.  My heart aches because I bottle up all my fears and pain, and then assume that nobody much cares. 

This is abuse that I have heaped upon myself.  Perhaps a  misguided attempt at protecting myself from slings and arrows?  If I build the walls, then I can tear them down one brick at a time, or even sledge hammer the whole thing in one go.  Not entirely ready to go that far, but just acknowledging that this is necessary and do-able makes my heart feel better.

My soul awakens… slowly.

I have been writing about Jan C as though she has only recently evolved, but I am coming to understand that she has been there all along and has often been the dominant part of my consciousness. She almost always manifests when other people expose their bruised ego to her, seeking encouragement, support and understanding.  As Jan A&B wind down and prepare to retire, Jan C finally has room to encourage, support, nurture herself.

It’s a process. It both rocks and sucks. It’s un-stoppable.  And it’s about time!

In the meantime, this I know for sure…

It’s me, Jan