I love you Jan

Today is the first day of the rest of my life.  Sounds like a cliche, but in fact, it is a choice I am making.  A choice to stop existing and start living as Jan.  Glorious Jan; Creative Jan; Cool Jan; Sad Jan; Happy Jan; Mama Jan: Tired Jan; It's OK to be me, Jan, the way God made me Jan.

My first task each day is to look myself in the mirror and say I love you Jan.  Actually, the first task of every day is to drink a cup of coffee.  Without my first and only shot of caffeine in the morning, I am not capable of talking civilly to anyone, including myself. But, now that I am fully caffeinated, I am standing in front of my magic mirror and saying I love you Jan.  She is taking it well.
I started by smiling - that always puts me at ease.  Then, I flashed my dimple (the one in my left cheek) as a sign of impishness and approachability. A quick eyebrow flash to demonstrate that I am receptive to whatever comes next, and then, I get down to business:

"Hey there. I am supposed to say I love you everyday.  So here goes:"

I love you.
I love your sense of humour.
I love your creativity and the way that you paint with colours in your mind.
I love that you care about others and see the best in others.
I love that you are now beginning to do the same for yourself.
I love your body and I want you to start taking better care of it.

There!  I said it. That wasn't so bad.

Now, for my second task of the day.  I am to write a page about Jan everyday until further notice.  Hence this blog.  I have kept written journals in the past, but most have more blank pages than written.  I have kept them all, and like to read them now and again.  The theme is always the same - Jan is not happy with Jan.  This is a battle that has been going on for too long.  I am tired of beating myself up, playing old tapes over and over again.  It is exhausting, limiting, and ridiculously unnecessary!

There are 2 Jan's.  Jan A is insecure, a worrier, fearful, and limited by believing the worst about herself and others.  Jan B  is flighty, creative, craves attention and approval  and limited only by her imagination - which at times takes her to dark places and more often takes her into a creative place where amazing things can happen.

When Jan A is in charge, she is filled with worry, regret, anger and there is a constant negative dialogue, with people she perceives to be judgemental, running in her head.  Jan A feeds off of this negativity. When Jan A wants attention, she only needs to think of someone who has p***** her off and we're away to the races.  Jan B is always aware when this is happening, and even tries to stop it by crying out "Stop it!" and then finding a distraction like shopping, eating, cleaning, or making jewelry.  Jan A is not easily controlled, but even she is getting bored with the same old s***.

When Jan B is in charge, she is filled with ideas - and depending on the theme, she becomes incredibly goal driven. Jan B designs jewelry, decorates the house, bakes, cooks, sews, thinks about possibilities, joins the gym and hires a trainer, eats healthy, creates projects at work, and most importantly, she inspires and mentors others to help themselves. Sadly, Jan B is motivated soles by the approval of others, and she will crash and burn when she feels unappreciated.

When Jan A and B are fighting for space, it often gets nasty, because Jan A brings out the big guns - anger and resentment and Jan B sits and listens while she works or find an unsuitable distraction like eating or shopping. It's exhausting and it's killing me.

I love you Jan A - because you are part of who I am and in your most healthy state, you are my cautionary voice and you have kept me out of trouble many times in the past.

I love you Jan B - because you raise me up, give me energy and bring excitement into my life. But in your most unhealthy state, you cause me to throw caution to the wind and make irresponsible decisions especially where money is concerned. 

Meet Jan C:  She is a healthy combination of Jan A&B, taking the best characteristics of both, and living an authentic life, where peace and serenity rule, and she is in charge of making all the decisions.

I love you both, but it's time we had a talk about some of your behaviours and how they are hurting me.

We'll talk again.

It's me, Jan.

p.s. Jan C will be joining us within the next month.  She's larger than life, so we'd better make room.