Sunday 9 September 2012

My Body and I

I am into recycling so this is an old post from a few years ago.  It is a Ode to my aging body.

I celebrate my breath and sing my breath and what I hope you willl do if I have no breath is restart my heart with electric shock as the treadmill whirs and hums a song of ironic demise

For every moment belonging to me is as good as gone if you tarry too long with concerns of liability and litigation.

I loaf and invite a bowl of greasy chips to pass my lips as I ignore my heart's pleading "No more!"

Oh body thou has betrayed my trust. A sniff of cake increases my bust an inch or more and gravity drags them towards the floor.

Laughter lines and wrinkles appear out of thin air in concert with my graying hair and my jaw slowly dissolves into jowls; so unjust are you, my aging body.

But all is not as it appears to be. Below the surface of my sagging skin there are forces to be reckoned with that will soon begin to show their might.

Muscles forming, tightness, uprightness, righteous strength! My heart grows stronger, my resolve grows stronger and I grow stronger bit by bit.

Age reversing, start rehearsing for the next chorus, give myself a hand.

It ain't over 'til the fat lady thins.

Saturday 8 September 2012

An Adjective by Any Other Name...

It seems that my body must now be described with all sorts of new adjectives. Some parts (such as my derriere)  have expanded.  According to the nice lady at Additionelle   ~[full figure fashion store] ~ my booty has a new adjective: awsomely delicious. A little confusing and a tad uncomfortable, yes, but compared to my own assessment of my largest asset, a very positive adjective indeed.

Other areas of my body have started to succumb to the earth's gravitational pull, so adjectives such as saggy and droopy have attached themselves (literally) to my boobs, tummy, eyelids and even my awesomely delicious derriere.  It makes a girl want to cry.

I just spent the past 2 weekends assembling a new wardrobe in preparation for a return to work.  Thankfully, I have not moved up a size, but disappointingly, clothing just does not fit the way it used to.  I yearn for the days of yore when I was reasonably fit and did not have to wear any clothing size followed with an X or worse yet, multiple X's.  What does that X stand for anyway, Xena, Warrior Princess?

You know, that is not such a bad idea.  The next time I go shopping for underwear, I'm going to ask the store clerk to lead me over to the Xena Princess Warrior underwear rack. "I'm looking for a size double XPW please." And when she gives me that "Who do you think you're kidding? " look, I'll whip out my sword and lop off her head.

My worst shopping experience so far has been at the shoe store.  God blessed me with a big heart, a tender soul, and big, wide flat feet.  The shoe industry does not make a shoe that fits a size 8.5, DDD Extra Wide in the front and narrow in the heel foot.  Why me God, why me?

And don't get me started on my calves.  Buying winter boots is a hideous chore for me, as well as Eric (who chauffeurs me from store to store, listening to my rants about conspiracy theories and the fashion industry), and the poor shoe sales person who has to risk their life as they kneel at my feet and try to zip a pair leather boots around my "massive" calves.  Yes, I said "massive" calves.  This is the actual adjective that a young man used as he rammed my feet into a pair of tall leather boots.  I used a few adjectives of my own as I explained why his lapse of judgement had cost him a sale.

So, what is the point of this blog, besides lamenting my ongoing fight with fashion. I'm sure there was a spiritual moral somewhere, but failing that, I want to share some adjectives from another blog that I used to write called My Little Black Dress:


Sunday, March 1, 2009


I will not succumb to the tyranny of the measuring tape

I am amazing. I am awesome. I am beautiful. I am bright. I am creative. I am corny. I am delightful. I am determined. I am edgy. I am eating healthy. I am friendly. I AM FINE. I am grateful. I am gorgeous! I am healthier. I am happy. I am idealistic. I am I. I am Jan (duh!) I am jolly (not just 'cause I'm fat). I am kind. I am kind of cool. I am lovely. I am lucky (to have you as my friend). I am mommy, ma, mother and ma ma. I am MAD!!!(in that British kind of way). I am nice. I am naughty. I am open-minded. I am Oh sooo cool! I am polite. I am plumpy. I am Quite MAD (in a pi**ed off sort of way). I am Qute (made that one up.) I am Reaching past my toes which means I am flexible) I am Really Really determined to go the distance. I am Sista to my friends and Sister to my Sista's. I am a Silly-billy (for caring about the scale and measuring tape). I am terrific! I am tired of being fat. I am understanding. I am un-defeated! I am voluptuous. I am Very Very MAD!!! (in that British, pi**ed off kind of way) I am WOMAN!!!  I am Xcited that this diatribe is almost done. I am eXcellent. I am young at heart. I am yawning. I am ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ.

That's all from this chique, classy, cool, chick.

It's me, Jan

Give God the Blueprint to Your Heart.


Give God the Blueprint to Your Heart.

According to Dictionary.com the heart is defined as a hollow, pump like organ of blood circulation, composed mainly of rhythmically contractile smooth muscle, located in the chest between the lungs and slightly to the left and consisting of four chambers…

In metaphorical terms, we can define the term “heart” as that part of the human existence where beliefs, memories, feelings, dreams, and life experiences converge into a physical/spiritual/emotional phenomenon that affects the way we interact and react to the rest of the world. There is no scientific evidence that connects the heart as a body organ to emotions. However, we all experience a physical sensation in our heart when our emotions are shaken up in either a good way, (i.e. falling in love, being promoted, winning the lottery) or not so great, (losing a loved one, being fired, or going broke.) When we are rocked emotionally, our hearts vibrate, our breathing quickens, our souls ache and the blood (pumped by our heart) rushes to our brain, busting open the floodgates of thoughts, visions, fears, cheers and other such mayhem.

My heart is breaking… have you no heart?... She has a stone cold heart… My heart got out to you… I just don’t have the heart to go on… IYyou…

While our human heart has four chambers, our “heart” – that place where we store our core beliefs – has many rooms. Each room contains a conviction derived from an interpretation of a life event, which in turn feeds our self-esteem and influences our outward behaviour. From moment to moment, as we encounter external stimuli, one room or another of our “heart” is breached, and the floodgate of memories, feelings and beliefs bust open into either a pleasurable or a painful moment. We, the unwitting participants of this phenomenon, have to ride out the physical and emotional sensations, and depending on the positive or negative impact, will go to great lengths to prolong or bring about an immediate end to the experience.

“Heart” is where our love lives; not our minds. When we send valentines, they are heart-shaped, not brain-shaped. Our heart goes all aflutter and seems to swell with that warm, wonderfully swooshy, smooshy sensation that makes the rest of our body go on full alert, pupils dilating, hair standing up and skin tingling. We draw hearts on our note pads, and sing smarmy love songs that also reference the “heart”.

“Heart” is where our pain lives. When life in general or a person in particular does us wrong, we claim to have a broken heart. If someone hurts our feelings, we don’t cover our ears to protect ourselves from the pain; instead, we press our hands over our heart in an effort to contain the hemorrhage of hurt, because the pain is coming from a room in our heart where a locked door has been kicked open and our pain exposed.

“Heart” is where we store core beliefs – those foundational constructs that guide our behaviours, influence our choices, and hopefully cause us to be a blessing to our fellow human beings. “I believe with all my heart…”.  “She puts her heart in to everything she does…”. This being the case, it would do our hearts good to air out those rooms once in a while, and perhaps toss out some trash, especially when we discover that a core-belief no longer holds true. Problem is, we innately hoard these ideals because they appear to define us, and if our belief system is shaken to the core, then we are forced to question everything we ever believed to be true. This kind of inventory cannot be undertaken alone.

Therefore my friends, I am suggesting that we all handover the blueprint of our heart to God, allowing Him to enter each room, and shine His light into those that contain the pain, anger, misunderstanding and negative self-concepts that so limit our lives. He can reveal the truth behind each door, and gently help us face that for the last time and finally put the junk that no longer serves us out on the curb. Garbage in…garbage out. 

Our glorious God will not stop at clearing out the clutter; He will replace that mess with the truth – a magnificent new vision of who you really are, a new understanding of how He has masterfully designed you to make a positive impact on planet earth and all its inhabitants. 

Give God the blueprint to your heart and allow Him to create a wide-open space for His Holy Spirit to reside. Life will get less complicated, peace will seep into every cell of your body, and no matter what life brings you, His grace will be sufficient to see your through.   

I Y U

It’s me... Jan