Grrrrrrr...

Today’s theme is anger

I have a 5 second fuse that ignites at the blink of an eye.  Anger is an emotion that I wear like a flag.  Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not running around foaming at the mouth,  holding my breath until I turn blue or randomly popping people in the nose.  What I mean to say, is that my mind likes to wander off and argue with people from my past or present -  rehashing old arguments, righting perceived wrongs, retaking lost territory, and generally giving them a tongue lashing until they beg for mercy.  In my mind, I always win the battle, but never the war.

It’s that whole squirrel! thing all over again.  I’m making the bed, and all of a sudden I’m telling my mother-in-law what a lousy job she did as a mother and how I am now having to pick up the pieces of her son’s shattered life. Or I’m informing a previous boss/supervisor about how great and irreplaceable I am and how they’ll realize that when I’m gone.

I fight a lot of battles in my car. Driving down the highway, minding my own business one second and then rehashing an argument that I lost years ago but this time, I’m winning.  Oh the words that come to my mind as a I tear down the highway… words that stop my imagined foes dead in their tracks and make them lower their eyes, admit defeat and beg me for forgiveness!

Even in the moment, when someone says or does something that sticks in my craw, I immediately allow myself to be enveloped in a cloak of pi**edoffedness that blocks out all reasoning, understanding or desire to listen, realize and resolve.  I JUST WANT TO BE RIGHT… IS THAT SO WRONG?

What’s the deal here?  Why do I feel angry all the time? Why do I continuously rehash long lost battles over and over again. That’s what I am meditating on right now. (Funny, I almost typed medicating).  I am tired of reliving old battles. Jumping from reasoning and resolution to pissedoffedness is time consuming – all consuming­ – actually and it is a horrible waste of my passion.

I think that my anger stems from a litany of early experiences built up over my life.  Experiences that hurt me, where my personal power was denied or infringed upon.  Back in the day, when I got angry or acted out frustration, there was only one acceptable solution: isolation.  “If you’re going to cry, pout, talk back etc… GO TO YOUR ROOM!"  And off to my room I went, raging, hurting, confused and having no way to process the pain. I have no conscious memory of being cuddled, reasoned with, or counselled when I was feeling lost and confused. The surest way for me to get some attention was to act out, make some noise which in turn would make my mother come running – not to defend or acknowledge me, but to put a stop to the commotion.  “Go outside and play!” Even that brief moment of rejection was better than no attention at all.

So, today, the slightest provocation gets my ire up and I get MAD.  Not angry, but MAD.  To me, MAD means crazy. Intellectually I know that when I am provoked, the person standing in front of me has likely not done something so egregious that they deserve my anger.  I might not even express my displeasure to them… but I will be the walking wounded, skulking off to my lair to gnaw on the feelings of frustration, imagining what I should say or do to get back at them or prove that they are WRONG, WRONG, WRONG!!!  In reality, the person in question has not set out to deliberately thwart me or cut me down.  They are likely doing the same as I, just trying to get through the day without stepping on any of their personal land mines.  They have their own stuff going on, and in the moment, something gets said or done that ticks us both off.

I need to learn the art of taking a deep breath, giving up the need to be right for the moment.  I need to forgive myself and the person in question, putting myself in their place for just a moment, and thinking about how I would want to be treated under similar circumstances.  I must resist the temptation to run and hide from anger, or stuff it somewhere deep within my core.  I need to develop the discipline to call on God and ask that my mind, heart and words be tempered with love.  Oh that is a tall order!

Today I recognize that:

I am never angry for the reason I think I am. My ego, which has suffered many bruises over the years is very sensitive to perceived slings and arrows from the universe.  Healing is what I need.  God’s healing.

Thank you God for my healing.

It’s me, Jan

Gratitude

I am to start a gratitude journal. I am procrastinating in this venture. Does that mean that I do not feel grateful? Does it mean that I don't see the value in documenting my gratitude? Am I just lazy or is something else at foot?

I did some research about gratitude. Gratitude is a state of consciousness.  It is an experience of living in a state of joy.  It is the recognition and expression of appreciation for what is. An attitude of acknowledgement.

Maybe its just my mood or hormones talking, but today, I am not feeling the gratitude vibe at all.  It's not as though I don't recognize that I am blessed beyond measure, because I know that God has heaped blessing upon blessing on me throughout my life, and certainly throughout these last several weeks.

Therefore, today, I will be grateful for His blessings:

I am blessed that He dropped me off on this part of the planet.  A peaceful, safe place where I can proclaim my faith without fear of persecution, and walk out my front door without risk of a bullet whizzing over my head.

I am blessed with the many angels he has placed in my life, some of whom I know by name and some who I have yet to meet.

I am blessed by the fact that my fingers can type, formulate, touch, and caress.

I am blessed because my feet can bear the weight of my body and carry me where ever I need to go; and also for having shoes to protect my tender soles.

I am blessed by His confidence in me, that He has such an amazing plan for my life and that He has never forsaken me, even when I have been stubborn, wilful, and turned my back on Him in a misguided belief that free-will does not come without great cost to me.

I am blessed with a wonderful  husband, who has a gentle soul, and is going through this transition with me. He puts no pressure on me to rush back to a pay cheque and wants only the best for me, no matter what.

I am blessed with my children, my wonderful grown up, intelligent, loving, creative, brave children who are making their way in the world with integrity and making their mark on the world with love.

I am blessed with friends who will drop everything and come running when my life falls apart - they have seen me through incredibly hard, scary times.

I am blessed by God - His love for me; knowing that He is faithful and loves me unconditionally.

I am blessed by the experiences and conditions of life which are the gift wrapping for the invaluable gift of the essence of my life.  I must remember to take nothing for granted, but take time out of every day to notice the many blessings that God heaps on me.  Thank you God! I appreciate You!

It's me, Jan

Ode to a Worry Wart

Ode to a Worry Wart

Oh you Worry Wart! Sitting in despair,

wallowing in self-pity, in your comfy chair.

You wear worry as  a dear old sweater;

All wrapped up; feeling better.

But that's an illusion, that worry infusion; 

It serves to weigh you down, blocks out the light,

weakens your resolve - saps your strength and will to fight.

Worry Wart, you are wasting your life away,

mired down in worry all day.

Are you seriously going to spend the rest of your life,

living in fear, resentment and strife?

I'm jumping off your front porch, and running down the street. 

There's infinite opportunities and challenges to meet.

So stay there sad old Worry Wart and fret your life away

I grieve the time you've wasted, but for me it's a brand new day.

Sad ol' Worry Wart, sitting in despair;

wallowing in self-pity, in your comfy chair.

No matter how much you try to justify your view,

life just ain't that complicated; so I must bid you adieu.

Squirrel!!!

Today's theme is willingness:

I am trying to develop the discipline to spend the very first part of my day in prayer and meditation.  for 21 days, (and then hopefully forever), I will get up, put the coffee on, and then sit down on the couch and read the bible.  Then pray and finally, meditate (listen) for God's word.  Meditation is hard for me, because my mind always seems to be racing in a bunch of directions.  I call that 'squirrel-ling'.  You know, like when you are walking a dog which seemingly is content to trot along, going with the flow until suddenly a squirrel shows up on the scene.  Then, it's all Squirrel!!!! And off we go, chasing that squirrel until it's out of sight.  Then another one pops up and we're off again; and then another, and another, etc. etc. Seemingly there are a lot of dang squirrels in my head. I think I was chasing one just now.

ANYWAY...

So, I am taking the time each day to connect with God - developing my conscious contact with Him, through prayer and meditation so that I can begin to re-focus my energy from the negative to the positive.  Additionally, I am praying just before I fall asleep at night, in order to quiet my mind (the squirrels never seem to take a break) and prepare my brain for rest. I have developed the very bad habit of using my bed as a place to worry and fret.  Even though the most recent source of worry is behind me, I'm finding it hard to relax myself. That's a work in progress.

One thing I did think about yesterday is the concept of turning my life and will over to the care of God.  In the bible, we see words like master, obey, serve, servant; words that have a negative connotation for me.  Images of slavery and oppression keep coming to mind.  So, I took some time to meditate on that, asking God to help me reconcile myself to the terminology.  Words such as loving Father, beloved child came to me as alternatives and I can definitely get on board with that.

I am a wilful child!  Stubborn to the core, wanting to be in control of all the decisions, and thinking of free will as a ticket to getting my own way and by-passing God in the process of obtaining a goal. But God did not give us free will in order for us to manage ourselves.  Rather, He gives us the opportunity to discover that His will for us is infinitely better than anything we can come up with on our own.

So, if I am choosing to turn my life and will over to the care of God, I must do more that hand over my defects of character; I must also give Him my assets too. For, my own human estimation of my positive qualities may be overly inflated and therefore any need for improvement will be overlooked.  When I think that I am a genuinely caring, empathetic person, I see no room for improvement.  But when I give him that quality, I become aware that I am apt to absorb another's pain as my own; a destructive tendency which if overly used will lead me to emotional exhaustion.  It's like I want to play God, thinking that I have all the answers, when I know darn well that His will for that person is on a whole other level than my own.

So, knowing that my wilful pride and desire to do everything on my own, in a misguided attempt to please and impress others; I now realize that turning my life and will over the care of God is a very good thing to do. My willfulness brings me to a place of fear and guilt which feed off of each other. If I give myself to God, He will  reveal my defects of character in a way where the wounds will be exposed, but the dreadful debris caused by fear and guilt will be drained off and I will finally experience a super natural healing by the hand of God. I can already feel the healing  and the relief from torment. What a blessing.

God, thank you for my healing.  Thank you for holding me in the palm of your hand and gently but firmly guiding me on the path of Your choosing. Your plan, Father, not mine.  Your will be done.  Amen.

It's me, Jan

Will The Voices in My Head Please SHUT UP!!!

Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God, praying only for His will for us and the power to carry that out.

~ 11 Step of Alcoholics Anonymous

Today’s theme is listening.

Listening, really listening,  is very hard for me.  That can be a real challenge, considering that my earthly job title is ‘counsellor’. When working with a client, I do a reasonably good job of listening, to understand the fears, worries, objections and meaning behind their words.  And I suppose that the positive feedback they give me at the end of an hour is an indication that I indeed understood and provided some useful feedback.

But, when it comes to me being the the one who needs counsel, I find myself racing ahead to think of the next line, the clever response, or simply whining about my problems, and demanding a solution, a cure-all that I can put into action.  Me, me, me. If I keep talking, racing ahead, grasping at straws and grabbing hold of the wheel, then maybe, just maybe I will feel in control again.  It’s very hard for me to accept that I must let go and let God lead me through this time of re-birth.

When I pray, I am asking God for something.  Guidance, revelation, forgiveness, resources, miracles, etc. It’s like I pick up the cosmic Iphone, hit speed dial and leave a message:

“Hey there God, it’s me, Jan.  I’m just checking in to see where we are in that whole Jan’s purpose in life thing.  Are You any closer to having an answer for me?  Is there something I should be doing, someone I should be contacting?  Anyway, if you could get back to me as soon as possible, that’d be great… It’s me, Jan.”

It doesn’t matter if I am leaving a message, sending a text or a “knee mail”. If I’m talking, I’m not listening. 

Meditation is when we listen for His word. Faith is when we accept what He says without reservation, repent for our worldly stubbornness and accept His leading.

Today, I spent some time in prayer and meditation, I think without an agenda except to see if I could actually just listen.  It was wonderful.  I prayed only that I could just put my worldly fears and thoughts aside for a few moments and just open my heart and soul to His words. There was no list of questions I wanted answers to, no magic 8 Ball to shake, no reference book to consult.  There was just me, myself and I listening to God.

What I heard is between God and I.  Suffice it to say, we connected. He spoke, I listened and I came away with a sense of peace. He told me everything I need to know today.

For now, I am trying to develop an attitude of gratitude, appreciating that as I continue to go through this transformation, I am gaining strength, refinement, and will experience an epiphany in  God’s own perfect time.  In the meantime, I know this for sure…

It’s me, Jan

SERENITY NOW!!!

Serenity Now!

"Serenity now! Serenity now!"

"What is that?"

"The doctor gave me a relaxation cassette. When my blood pressure gets too high, the man on the tape tells me to say 'serenity now!'"

"Are you supposed to yell it?"

"The man on the tape wasn't specific."

- Frank and George, in Seinfeld "The Serenity Now" episode

Today’s theme is Serenity (what gave it away?)

So, I am sitting here @ 8:30 a.m. on a Sunday morning, cup of coffee in hand, windows open to let in the sunshine and bird song. It’s a long weekend, the weather is perfect, and we have no pressing chores, obligations or problems to deal with (well there is that little issue of  me being unemployed, but I don’t bother with that stuff on the weekends.) Doesn’t it sound wonderful???

Then why the heck do I feel bummed out? Habit, probably.  Easiest thing in the world is to entertain my old friends depression, resentment and fear; a threesome who lack ambition to achieve anything in life, and consequently live in my head rent-free, eating me out of house and home, and leaving a mess all over the place. I have served them with an eviction notice, but they’re not going quietly. 

I WANT SERENITY NOW!!!!   SERENITY NOW!!!

My husband, God love him, is a huge fan of the Serenity Prayer… “Accept the things you cannot change, Jan…” (Now, imagine me repeating that but with a sarcastic, pouty look on my face.)

I don’t want to accept nothin!  I want every person who ever said or did anything to **** me off to admit they were wrong, apologize and give me a peace offering.  Whether a stranger, like that semi truck driver who blasted his stupid loud horn while passing me in my tiny car, just cause he’s way bigger than me and wanted to scare me.  Thought I’d forgotten about that didn’t you, Mr. How’s My Driving?  I’d of taken down that number on the back of your truck so I could phone and complain, except I was too busy gripping the steering wheel in terror and trying not to soil my underwear.  Jerk!!! Or, my brother who purposely woke up an hour early every Saturday morning and opened all the boxes of cereal to steal the neat little promo toys, after I already called dibs on them… Not Fair!!!   How about my Ex-husband, my grade 4 teacher, my last boss, Revenue Canada, Bell Canada, and let’s not forget about that rude lady at WalMart who chose to answer the phone instead of serving me after I stood in line for 20 minutes to return the mislabelled sheets that didn’t fit my bed.  I have only just stopped loathing her.

SERENITY NOW!!!

Every single person that ever robbed me of my serenity should band together and form a 12 Step Support group where they must admit to thwarting their power over me and making my life unmanageable. Then, after completing a fearless and moral inventory of themselves, they would admit to God, themselves and ME the exact nature of their wrongs. After that, I would take the floor and give each person the tongue-lashing they so deserve, and then the coup de gras:  I walk out of the room, head held high, leaving a weeping, regretful bunch of “sorry” losers unforgiven. Ha! Put that in your corn pipe in smoke it.  Who’s turned the tables now, huh? Yes, that’ right… Me!

Hmmmmm perhaps I shall take some time today to reflect on Serenity. 

I’ll get back to you.

It’s me, Jan

Faith, Hope and Love

1 Corinthians 13:1-7 (V:The Message)
  Love never gives up.
   Love cares more for others than for self.
   Love doesn't want what it doesn't have.
   Love doesn't strut,
   Doesn't have a swelled head,
   Doesn't force itself on others,
   Isn't always "me first,"
   Doesn't fly off the handle,
   Doesn't keep score of the sins of others,
   Doesn't revel when others grovel,
   Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth,
   Puts up with anything,
   Trusts God always,
   Always looks for the best,
   Never looks back,
   But keeps going to the end.

Today's theme is: Awakening

Every morning, I open one bleary eye and then another to welcome (or curse) the new day.  My inner alarm clock insists at going off around 7:30.  My inner child argues that I nestle down under my blankie and go back to sleep.  My bladder, tyrant that it is, forces me to head for the bathroom, and Mr. Coffee beckons me from the kitchen.  Conspiracy I say!

But, at this time of year it would be almost sinful to waste a second of God's glorious artistry (you have to come out here!) by sleeping in, when the sun is pouring in the windows, the blue jays are swooping back and forth among the trees, and magnificent bird song fills the air. No traffic, no ugly news reports playing on the radio, and a complete and utter absence of worrying about things that just don't matter any more.  It's bliss!

Yes, awakening these days is a blessing. Awakening any day in a blessing, but only if you remember what's important and can find a way to stop sweating the small stuff.

I feel as though I am finally waking up from a long, fitful sleep fraught with dark dreams of anxiety and worry in a place where chaos rules my everything.  Nightmares become daymares, me believing it's just a hard knock life, and never even considering that there's a much better alternative.

But that's how life gets, when you forget about everything that is important and start to confuse  Faith, Hope and Love, with false idols such as pleasing your boss, beating traffic, robbing Peter to pay Paul, and scoring another worthless point in the  game of acquisition and accomplishment. At least, that is what has happened to me.

My skewed vision of love used to tell me that I come last; that I am undeserving of respect and wellness; and that the well being of the people I serve comes before anything, including God.  Smile, listen, empathise, encourage, support, report, grit my teeth, swallow my frustration, apologise for something I did or did not do, bang my head on the desk, log on, log off... Next! ...and repeat.  No time left for me. No time.

No wonder I am exhausted!  No wonder at all. There has been a complete absence of Faith, Hope and Love in my life for far too long.

I love 1 Corinthians 13:1-13.  When Eric and I remarried, my dear friend Karlene read this verse.  It is an apt descriptor of our relationship. In truth, this passage should be taped on every mirror, fridge, dashboard and pinned on everyone's bulletin board.  Life lesson #1  Love! Love God! Love yourself. Love!

I'm not nearly ready to write my own commentary on this verse, but I am ready to accept that I am worthy of love, and I am fast accepting that loving myself is not a selfish act.  Loving myself on my own terms, with tons of affection, patience, acceptance and appreciation for me.  That's a good place to start.

It's me, Jan

Waiting to exhale

Today's theme is patience.

Quiet my mind, oh Lord and open my heart
Fill me with your divine peace;
So that I feel it in every fibre of my body.
As a babe in the womb, floating
in your warm liquid energy;
Suspended in love, safe from harm,
eyes wide open as I see myself through Your eyes.

For the past 24 hours, I have been suffering an acute attack of transition. In my metamorphosis blog, I drew a fanciful picture of transforming like the Monarch butterfly, from a fuzzy, chubby caterpillar  limited to a life of crawling to a winged beauty with boundless opportunity to soar.  Sounds great. And, it will be great, once I finally get there.  The suspense is killing me!

I am a girl who likes to know the plan, from beginning to end, and preferably, I want to be in charge of each and every detail, making all the decisions, calling all the shots, being the Big Boss Of The Whole Wide World.

Except, I'm not the the BBOTWWW.  God is.  He is omnipresent and omnipotent.  He truly is the Boss (sorry Bruce Springstein) and His blueprint for Jan is perfect. Even though I have free will, I don't get a say in said plan.  I can choose not to accept and follow the plan, but there are consequences to that.  I only have to look at my history to know, that when I ignore God's leading (my conscious thoughts,) and go for instant gratification, I usually wander off and find myself in trouble. For example, any activity that I indulge in that is prefaced with the phrase "Oh what the hell...) typically is a WRONG CHOICE!  But, when I am about to do something, no matter how insignificant or big, and then hear a quiet, gentle voice in the back of my brain saying "That's not the right thing for you.", and actually listen to that voice, there are no regrets - ever.

So, here I am, making a conscious choice to place myself in God's hands, praying only for knowledge of His will for me and the power to carry that out.  His will, not mine.  His divine plan executed with His perfect timing.  So I wait.

Calm my heart, oh Lord and fill my soul
With expectant wonder, turning each page of my life
In eager anticipation of where you will take me next.
Remove the fear, impatience and stubbornness born out of worldly hunger
And form Your wondrous version of me.

Heal my body, oh Lord and make me whole.
Remove the stress and pain that fills my mind, heart and soul.
Place Your healing hands upon me and extract the depression, resentment and grief.
In its place, I long for the peace that passes all understanding, the courage to turn my face upwards to bathe in Your light, grace and mercy.

Amen

It's Me, Jan

Ouch!

Today’s theme is healing

My ego is bruised

Heart aches but is not broken

My soul awakens

I was going to write about forgiveness today, however I cannot summon up the motivation to go there – yet.  Forgiveness is letting go of the need for revenge and releasing negative thoughts of bitterness and resentment. Before I can write about forgiveness, I need to acknowledge that I am hurting, and spend some time meditating and praying about that.

So, instead of writing about forgiveness, I choose to examine my pain.  This is really hard.

My ego is bruised.  This I freely admit.  One of the greatest motivators in my life has been to obtain the approval of others.  Sadly, this desire is diametrically opposed to a lack of self-esteem. So, the outcome of any attempt to be loved, lovable, adored, admired, etc., is that my ego, the part of my mind that mediates between the conscious and the unconscious and is responsible for reality testing and a sense of personal identity, argues with the other voices in my head.   It’s like one of those dysfunctional family reunions where all hell breaks loose over an imagined slight or insult.

What is the cure for a bruised ego?  Well, for one thing, I need to accept that it’s o.k. if not everyone loves me.  Jesus loves me, my husband loves me, my mom and dad love me, my kids love me, my siblings love me, and those I count among my friends love me.  I am beginning to take a liking to me…that is all that matters.

I have crossed paths with countless people in my life.  So many, that I can’t possibly remember their names, details or why our life paths intersected, nor the outcome.  But I must admit that some of these people expressed genuine gratitude for the impact I made in their life.  To all those who are better for having connected with me for whatever reason, I accept your love and appreciation and wish you well.

I have annoyed the living crap out of some people in my life.  Among these are my family and friends, co-workers, and perfect strangers. I thank God for their capacity to forgive and forget.  They sometimes annoy me too, and I try not to sweat the small stuff where they are concerned and we always get back on track. Some  people are just determined to be haters.  To all those who insist on being annoyed with me forever, I wish you well.  Sorry it didn’t work out. This is your notice of eviction – you are no longer welcome to live in my head rent-free.

Another cure for a bruised ego is to actively participate in mediation between my conscious and unconscious – taking an inventory of all current beliefs, and throwing out that which no longer reflects my true me-ness.  Time to clear space for what is real and authentic. The rest can be sent off to the garbage heap or to Value Village.

Finally, Ego, please understand that when someone says “no” or “you’re not my type” or “not today or even ever”, they are not necessarily sitting in judgement of you.  Probably, whatever causes them to choose not to benefit from participating in a healthy relationship has much more to do with their own ego issues, rather than yours.  Wish them well and let it go.

My heart aches but is not broken.

What is the cure for an aching heart?  Well, for one thing, breaking down the walls that I have built over the course of my lifetime, or at least, knocking out some bricks so that I can experience God’s light and love; and allow people to reach in and hug me now and again.  Heart = love.  My heart aches because I bottle up all my fears and pain, and then assume that nobody much cares. 

This is abuse that I have heaped upon myself.  Perhaps a  misguided attempt at protecting myself from slings and arrows?  If I build the walls, then I can tear them down one brick at a time, or even sledge hammer the whole thing in one go.  Not entirely ready to go that far, but just acknowledging that this is necessary and do-able makes my heart feel better.

My soul awakens… slowly.

I have been writing about Jan C as though she has only recently evolved, but I am coming to understand that she has been there all along and has often been the dominant part of my consciousness. She almost always manifests when other people expose their bruised ego to her, seeking encouragement, support and understanding.  As Jan A&B wind down and prepare to retire, Jan C finally has room to encourage, support, nurture herself.

It’s a process. It both rocks and sucks. It’s un-stoppable.  And it’s about time!

In the meantime, this I know for sure…

It’s me, Jan

Metamorphosis

Today's theme is metamorphosis:

Today is the day that I do something unexpected, in an amazing way.

Today I take a leap of faith, knowing that I will land in God's hands;

Today I acknowledge that there is no need to hold on to beliefs and behaviours that no longer reflect the person I really am;

Today I take ownership of my purpose;

Today I evict the negative people who live in my mind rent-free;
Today is the day that I do something unexpected, in an amazing way. 

~ Jan C

According to Wikipedia, the word metamorphosis can be defined as a biological process by which an animal physically develops after birth or hatching, involving a conspicuous and relatively abrupt change in the animal's body structure through cell growth and differentiation.

The word "metamorphosis" derives from Greek μεταμόρφωσις, "transformation, transforming".

Yesterday, I blogged about choosing whether to continue living a life of confusion, bitterness, fear, pain, disappointment and unhappiness, or “manning up” (Janning up?) and putting an end to all that is dragging me down. I concluded that it is time to release my lifelong companions Jan A and Jan B with love, accepting that their time here is come to an end and Jan C is slowly but surely transforming into a beautiful woman, a true reflection of God’s design.

Sounds wonderful, doesn’t it?  Well, perhaps, when I am finally ready to unfold my wings and take flight, it will be, but I am finding the process to be painful and exhausting. At the same time, I am compelled to move ahead, instinctively knowing that this is my destiny, not to be questioned, nor to be denied. I am feeling unfamiliar sensations of faith, hope and love. I am experiencing self-love which is completely different from selflessness, selfishness or me, myself and I. Self-love is a reflection of Christ’s love for me.  I am seeing in myself that which He sees in me. I am beautiful. Praise God. Thank You God!

Let us consider the Monarch butterfly.  Aptly named, the Monarch butterfly is best known for her regal and brightly coloured orange wings, interlaced with black veins and surrounded by a wide, black border marked with numerous white dots. Like the adult, the fully-grown monarch caterpillar is a beauty onto herself, possessing bold, yellow, black and white bands over the entire surface of her 5 centimetre body. During metamorphosis, the caterpillar forms a lime-green chrysalis, marked with gold spots and a black, horizontal band edged with gold. Interestingly, the colours of the Monarch serve to protect her by warning predators that she is poisonous if eaten, and serves a camouflage when she needs to take rest. 

When she first hatches, the Monarch caterpillar’s instinct is to find nourishment.  She eat’s. She eats a lot! Although she is not consciously  aware of her destiny, she instinctively prepares for her inevitable transformation from a fuzzy little creature limited to crawling along milkweed plants, seeking her next meal; to pupating by enclosing herself inside of a cocoon where she proceeds to stitch, weave and transform herself into a beautiful butterfly.  All of which takes place in 6 – 8 weeks.  A nanosecond in God’s time, but a lifetime to a butterfly.

I liken myself to the beautiful Monarch butterfly.  I was born, and have been feeding on my environment, taking in the thoughts, words, and deeds of the world around me as nourishment. I’ve been crawling along, seeking the moment where I can finally transform into the person God designed me to be.  But there’s a transformational process that requires me to take a time out, put  myself in a safe place where I must do the hard work of taking apart the pieces that no longer work and creating new fragments and elements that when combined, according to God’s intricate design, will become a masterpiece.

As adults, the Monarch butterfly seeks out beautiful flowers, to feed on their sweet nectar, which sustains and strengthens her in preparation for migration to other parts of the world.  She dips down onto bodies of water to take a drink and seeks the shade of trees when she needs to rest. She does all of this instinctively, in order to follow her destiny, which was planned long before she was a twinkle in her butterfly daddy's eye.  She has no need to question the plan, she simply goes with the program, without fear, reservation or question.

I am a child of God.  He created me with a purpose.  However, unlike our beautiful butterfly friend , He gave me free will.  I am allowed to question the Big Plan and insert my will accordingly. Not that my will is necessarily well thought-out or based on sound judgement. My will is vulnerable to misinterpretation of data, can be easily swayed by false idols and consequently can lead me down some dark paths.  Sooner or later, God brings me to to an awareness that His plan, His Will for me is Divine, mine is flawed and therefore, by my own free will, I understand that His Will be done on earth as it is in Heaven.  

I get it! I get it!  Took me long enough, but God you have my attention.  I admit that I have been wilful, stubborn, even lazy at times, preferring the material to the Divine.  Please forgive me and take me through this transformation according to Your will. 

I have prayed for you to surround me with a hedge of angels and You have been merciful. I thank you for the angels named Hima and Shibani  that you have recently brought into my life.  Thank you for the many angels you have blessed me with throughout my life. I pray for Your protection as I go through this transformation, and place myself and the people I love in Your hands for safekeeping in the meantime.

Amen.

It's me, Jan

Let it go Jan... let is go.

Today’s theme is letting go.

Yesterday, I blogged about the decision of succumbing to the trials and disappointments of my life, (slings and arrows) or doing something radical to change my destiny (take arms against a sea of troubles and by opposing end them).  Shakespeare’s Hamlet was a man living in times when being of royal blood was really, really complicated.  I mean talk about crappy family reunions!  He spends his lifetime having to look over his shoulder, preparing for the next evil plot against himself, his family (the ones that he liked) and if that was not enough, there was no central heating, bloodletting was the cure-all for everything, and you couldn’t even take the first bite of your dinner or have a nap without wearing earmuffs without risk of being poisoned.

Hamlet’s dilemma, in my never-to-be-humble opinion, is similar to my own:  is this all there really is to life?  Do I really want to continue in this career track, knowing that at any moment, I may come to a tragic end? Or, do I put on my big girl panties and just get on with it, and maybe make a few changes in my life, and tell the voices in my head that their services are no longer required. Hmmm… (ok, maybe Hamlet would have said hosen instead of big-girl panties.)

Let’s apply Hamlet’s question, To be or not to be… to my current situation. 

To be Jan A, B or C?  Let us evaluate:

Jan A is cautious, wary, critical, easily hurt. At her worst, she lives in the present but looks over her shoulder at the past, reliving and retelling her stories, disguised as cautionary tales, but more accurately using them as a cloaking device to predict disappointment and attack and therefore protecting herself from getting hurt.  At her best, Jan A has keen insight, can pick apart problems and knit together solutions, seeing the potential traps and developing strategies to avoid disaster.  She is the keeper of the keys to the part of her brain where confidence and tenacity reside.

Jan B is creative, flighty, easily distracted and she lives in a fantasy world. At her worst she gets lost in the process of creating pretty things that will impress others and cause them to love her more and overlook her obvious flaws. At her best, Jan B has keen vision and can see the bigger picture, envision a desirable outcome, create something out of nothing and work tirelessly to achieve something of great value to others. However, she will exhaust herself in the effort and often forgets to ask for help.  She is the keeper of the keys to the part of her brain where goals and dreams reside.

Jan C is a healthy combination of her sisters A&B.  She is confident, creative, careful, visionary, outgoing, tenacious, innovative, and has the power of discernment that enables her to know real dangers from imagined, healthy relationships from toxic and she has a deep-rooted faith in God, acknowledging that He has blessed her with spiritual gifts that enable her to fulfil His plan for her.  At her best, Jan C has the ability to give of herself (time, knowledge, resources) without an attachment to the expectation of reward or recognition.  She works with a consciousness of love (unselfish giving). At her worst, Jan C allows either one or both of her sister’s to steal the show Consequently,  she suffers from the resultant abuse and inevitable disappointment that comes from feeling unappreciated, and taken advantage of.

Clearly, Jan A and Jan B are like candles that have become unstable nearing their end, noticeably chaotic and sputtering brightly as their fuel becomes exhausted. 

To be or not to be… there is no question that Jan C has to BE, because her sisters cannot go on much longer. 

Therefore, Jan C must step up and proclaim her right to live an authentic life, free from the clutches of a myriad of misunderstood and misinterpreted life lessons, creating a crystal clear vision of who she always was and is meant to be.

 Claim you destiny Jan C and let your sisters go with love.  Their time here is done. It’s time for you to take charge. You hold the keys to the part of your brain where contentment, peace, serenity, forgiveness, and faith reside along with confidence, tenacity , and your goals and dreams.

It's me... Jan C (see?)

To Be or Not to Be - random thoughts

I'll be honest, I am not a big fan of William Shakespeare and his plays.  But I do remember remnants of Hamlet's famous soliloquy:

To be, or not to be, that is the question:
Whether 'tis Nobler in the mind to suffer
The Slings and Arrows of outrageous Fortune,
Or to take Arms against a Sea of troubles...

"Whether ’tis nobler in the mind to suffer..Or to take arms" seems clearly to ask whether it is better to be stoically passive to life's troubles or heroically active against them.
I think that this is a question I am asking myself, in my own mid-life  identity crisis - my  not sure what I want to when I grow up but perhaps it's easier to just stay the course and keep paying the mortgage situation that I find myself in at the moment.

I left a job that I hated, partly of choice, partly because I could not live up to their expecations.  either way, it was the right choice and I am grateful to put the nightmare behind me.

But have I?  I still have dreams about that place - and I wake up early every morning wondering what I could/should have done - knowing that I worked hard and finding that it simply wasn't good enough for them.  Do I want to run the risk of going back into that kind of work again?  Was it the work or just the environment?  Like any messy break up, it seem to boil down to the classic excuse:
It's not you, it's me... I need to see other people...o.k., maybe it's you.

I went to a job interview today.  It went extremely well, far as I can tell.  Certainly the questions were easy, predictable almost, and there seemed to be an easy rapport between the interviewers and myself.
The job is nothing new, but the work would be interesting.  The environment appears to be fairly mellow, as does the manager.  Could be a good fit for me. 

But, is this all there is for Jan?  To be a Career Specialist or not to be... that is the question.

Maybe I am in the right career, but have strayed off the path and gotten a bit lost.  Perhaps I have been accompanied by some old ghosts and spend too much time reminiscing about the "good ol' days" (sarcasm).  Or, is it possible that I just really am ready to evolve into something/one else?

Today, I just don't know. Probably tomorrow I will. For now, what I do know for sure is...

It's me, Jan

Sometimes you don't know what you know until you need to really know. Ya know?

I woke up this morning knowing that it is Mother's Day and feeling a bit down that I can't pick up the phone and call my mom. Given that I have only recently taken some time to reflect and appreciate the positive impact she made in my life, I am acutely feeling her absence  today.  I am also wishing that my kids could be here with me, with hand made gifts (the best kind), and hugs.  Actually, my son did make me a card and then took a picture and posted it on Facebook for me.  Loved it!

So, what kind of mother am I?  Not perfect, that's for sure. But not awful either.  Same goes for my mother.  She gave the best to all of us that she had to give, and it was a vast improvement on what she received from her mother, who no doubt tried her hardest to be a good mother in spite of her own hurt and pain. 

Hurt and pain.  We've all had some of that.  Without it, we would be incredibly fragile and merely a shell of the person we are meant to be.
My maternal grandmother had hurt and pain. An unfaithful husband who only stayed on in the home when she became pregnant with my mother - in her forties! She raised 5 children during the depression. Because of her own upbringing, she had little capacity for expressing love to anyone, which ultimately ended her marriage, and caused her children to distance themselves later in life.
My mother had hurt and pain.  She was painfully aware of the anger and resentment between her parents, and suffered through it until her father finally left the family when she was 17.  He left them for the woman he was involved with before my mother was conceived. She was the product of a ill-gotten attempt to save a marriage, and lived a lonely life as a child.
I had hurt and pain.  My mom probably seldom heard the words "I love you" and therefore did not appear to have the capacity to say that to me.  I was also an unplanned child and I believe that my mother suffered from a significant depression when I was young. I remember her crying, I remember my aunt coming to take care of us when my mother was "ill" for several weeks.  I remember being told to "go outside" when I really wanted to just hang out with her. I was not allowed to express my own feelings, and in fact, was punished with isolation when I did.  "If you are going to cry, then go to your room!" 
But my mom loved me!  I knew that from her actions which had to speak louder than words.  She was a master sewer and made me beautiful clothing. She had a cool way of coming up with ideas to keep a busy little girl entertained.  I owe all of my creativity to her.  She spoke her mind even to people in authority and I owe my assertiveness and ability to stand up for myself to witnessing those moments when she stood up for me.
I married the wrong man the first time around.  He was much older than me and we had little, if anything, in common.  But he gave me 2 beautiful children, Holly and Mike.  They had hurt and pain too, because they had to deal with parents who had their heads up their ass far too often.  But, I know that they developed some of their greatest strengths from their hard experiences. 

This is an excerpt from a letter I wrote to my daughter at one of the lowest points in her adult life:

...you have everything you need to create an awesome destiny for yourself and your son.  Many of the strengths you have may have been born out of the hardest times of your life, but is that not true of all of us? If you had and idyllic life, you would have few, if any, survival skills and you would be feeling lost and helpless right now.  I know however, that in the midst of your hurting you are also turning to your power.  You are not without resources and I know you know this.  Where does your power originate?  From taking care of me when I was so sick 20 years ago. A little girl who helped take care of her sick mother and her little brother, has become a capable and confident woman who can take good care of her little boy and make a life for herself.
Dealing with parents who had their heads up their ass far too much of the time gave you an awareness of trying to always believe in the best about people even when they were at their worst...

Reading this, I realise that we, as mothers, give the best of what we have to our children and they in turn build on that before passing it along to theirs.  I had a great mom, I was a great mom, and my daughter is one too.

I get this now.  I hope I keep this knowledge in the part of my brain that remembers important stuff instead of some dusty shelf in my sub-consciousness.  Sometime you don't know what you know until you need to really know... ya know?

It's me , Jan

Jesus Loves Me

Jesus loves me, this I know,
For the bible tells me so.
Little ones to Him belong;
they are weak but He is strong.

Yes, Jesus loves me!
Yes, Jesus loves me!
Yes, Jesus loves me!
The bible tells me so.

I remember singing this old children's hymn at bible school.  I am not sure that I had any real appreciation for the sentiment of the hymn at the time. Bible school happened in the summer, not because of my parents burning desire for us kids to have a spiritual education - but because it was summer and my mother was not overly keen to have 5 kids lounging in front of the TV, scrapping over the toy prize in the cereal box or whining about being bored.  So, 2 weeks of bible school conveniently ate up 1/4 of the summer holidays, (and, it was free, another aspect that pleased my parsimonious parents).  If I remember correctly, bible school took place in the afternoon and swimming lessons happened in the morning...in an unheated pool.  Given my great distaste for plunging in to a freezing body of water and struggling to survive (I swim like a stone), it was like being in Hell in the morning and jockeying for a position in heaven for in the afternoon. I never really did learn to swim; however I can float and tread water - 2 handy skills if I am ever shipwrecked). I didn't truly appreciate and come to know Jesus until I was 40 years old. That is when I began to believe that Jesus loves me. Still, the foundation was laid for 2 life saving opportunities.  I am glad that I know Jesus loves me, and hopefully I can float my way to shore if I fall over board off of a cruise ship.  If I can't, then I'm saved anyway... a win-win if ever there was one.

The theme today is actually that Jan is lovable.  Jesus loves me. Now, I won't argue with a guy like Jesus.  If He loves me unconditionally, then who am I to argue? I mean, I'm not such a bad egg am I?  He knows everything about me. Every little white lie, and all of the whoppers too.  Each bit of gossip, mean-spirited thought, actions and deeds are duly noted, and then forgiven once I acknowledge my sins.  I don't know how he keeps up, cause I give him loads of material every day.  But He loves me, warts and all.

Eric loves me.  I have known Eric for over 30 years.  We met, fell in love, and decided to get married after THREE WEEKS of dating.  Nobody thought it would last, except for us.  I get that the odds were against us, but I know why we have thrived in this relationship.  It's because we don't have to pretend, we don't place conditions on being lovable, and Eric is an incredibly patient man.  I mean, he is my opposite in terms of almost everything.  He's low key, type B, can happily sit still in a quite room for hours, drive the car without the radio on, sleep when he is stressed, and find humour in almost any situation. He's been through tough times too, just like me - and has his own stuff to deal with.  But that is what makes him such a gentle soul, and why he has the capacity to love without judgement. He is the Ying to my Yang, and to coin a corny movie line... he completes me.  Eric loves me warts and all - even when I crash the car.

My kids love me. Not because I was a June Cleaver type of mom (for those of you who did not watch TV in the 60's, google that reference if you don't know who June is).  I was not a stay-at-home mom for much of their upbringing.  Daycare and baby sitters factored into their daily life in a significant way.  But, my kids were my priority at all times, and everything I did was meant to offer them something more than what I perceived I ever had as a child.  At the age of 56, I am coming to appreciate that some of the most valuable knowledge, lessons and skills my parents taught me came disguised in hurts, angry words or simply a lack of validation. They loved me and showed it in their own way.  I love my children and have always told them so.  They were given the opportunity to make decisions and experience consequences, which has contributed to their capacity for risk taking. Both are creative, caring, bluntly honest, fiercely protective of their family and friends.  Each has a great sense of humour in their own right. They are intelligent, and never willing to settle for the status quo.  Lessons, I believe that they learned from me, and their father.
My kids will be the first to tell people that their mother is a bit crazy. If asked what my theme song is, they would say "Born to be Wild".  If asked what my theme music is, they would say the theme music from Mission Impossible (the 1970's TV version).  They would say I am cool, creative, supportive, and that I can be counted on to listen, although a bit too quick with advice. My kids love me  - even though I was a bit embarrassing at times when they were growing up, and have potential to be quite a handful when I am an old lady. They have no idea what they're in for. Bwa ha ha ha.

My friends love me.  Not because I'm the first to arrive at their door step with a casserole when their life is in crisis.  More because no matter how long between visits, (days, months, or even years), we can pick up where we left off and I always care about their well-being.  I'm not one for picking up the phone for a chat.  I'm not one for going out for coffee every day.  I am not the first one to send an email, message on facebook or pick up the phone and call.  Yet, people stay in touch.  Can't think why... will have to meditate and pray on that for a while.  My friends love me, even though I don't stay in touch.

My siblings love me.  2 brothers older than me, and 2 sisters younger.  We are spread apart coast to coast, and are not inclined to connect regularly by phone or Internet.  Yet, we don't bare grudges against one another and any residual sibling rivalry does not interfere with our rare opportunities to reunite.  I'm the middle child, oldest daughter and to some degree, the matriarch of the family. Although we might go for months without connecting, we rally around each other when life gets complicated. My siblings love me.

So, the votes are in, and it's official.  Jan is lovable.  Hmmm, who'd of thunk it?  Jesus, that's who. He loves me, the bible, my husband, my parents, my kids, my siblings and my friends,  tell me so.

It's me, Jan

I love you Jan

Today is the first day of the rest of my life.  Sounds like a cliche, but in fact, it is a choice I am making.  A choice to stop existing and start living as Jan.  Glorious Jan; Creative Jan; Cool Jan; Sad Jan; Happy Jan; Mama Jan: Tired Jan; It's OK to be me, Jan, the way God made me Jan.

My first task each day is to look myself in the mirror and say I love you Jan.  Actually, the first task of every day is to drink a cup of coffee.  Without my first and only shot of caffeine in the morning, I am not capable of talking civilly to anyone, including myself. But, now that I am fully caffeinated, I am standing in front of my magic mirror and saying I love you Jan.  She is taking it well.
I started by smiling - that always puts me at ease.  Then, I flashed my dimple (the one in my left cheek) as a sign of impishness and approachability. A quick eyebrow flash to demonstrate that I am receptive to whatever comes next, and then, I get down to business:

"Hey there. I am supposed to say I love you everyday.  So here goes:"

I love you.
I love your sense of humour.
I love your creativity and the way that you paint with colours in your mind.
I love that you care about others and see the best in others.
I love that you are now beginning to do the same for yourself.
I love your body and I want you to start taking better care of it.

There!  I said it. That wasn't so bad.

Now, for my second task of the day.  I am to write a page about Jan everyday until further notice.  Hence this blog.  I have kept written journals in the past, but most have more blank pages than written.  I have kept them all, and like to read them now and again.  The theme is always the same - Jan is not happy with Jan.  This is a battle that has been going on for too long.  I am tired of beating myself up, playing old tapes over and over again.  It is exhausting, limiting, and ridiculously unnecessary!

There are 2 Jan's.  Jan A is insecure, a worrier, fearful, and limited by believing the worst about herself and others.  Jan B  is flighty, creative, craves attention and approval  and limited only by her imagination - which at times takes her to dark places and more often takes her into a creative place where amazing things can happen.

When Jan A is in charge, she is filled with worry, regret, anger and there is a constant negative dialogue, with people she perceives to be judgemental, running in her head.  Jan A feeds off of this negativity. When Jan A wants attention, she only needs to think of someone who has p***** her off and we're away to the races.  Jan B is always aware when this is happening, and even tries to stop it by crying out "Stop it!" and then finding a distraction like shopping, eating, cleaning, or making jewelry.  Jan A is not easily controlled, but even she is getting bored with the same old s***.

When Jan B is in charge, she is filled with ideas - and depending on the theme, she becomes incredibly goal driven. Jan B designs jewelry, decorates the house, bakes, cooks, sews, thinks about possibilities, joins the gym and hires a trainer, eats healthy, creates projects at work, and most importantly, she inspires and mentors others to help themselves. Sadly, Jan B is motivated soles by the approval of others, and she will crash and burn when she feels unappreciated.

When Jan A and B are fighting for space, it often gets nasty, because Jan A brings out the big guns - anger and resentment and Jan B sits and listens while she works or find an unsuitable distraction like eating or shopping. It's exhausting and it's killing me.

I love you Jan A - because you are part of who I am and in your most healthy state, you are my cautionary voice and you have kept me out of trouble many times in the past.

I love you Jan B - because you raise me up, give me energy and bring excitement into my life. But in your most unhealthy state, you cause me to throw caution to the wind and make irresponsible decisions especially where money is concerned. 

Meet Jan C:  She is a healthy combination of Jan A&B, taking the best characteristics of both, and living an authentic life, where peace and serenity rule, and she is in charge of making all the decisions.

I love you both, but it's time we had a talk about some of your behaviours and how they are hurting me.

We'll talk again.

It's me, Jan.

p.s. Jan C will be joining us within the next month.  She's larger than life, so we'd better make room.