I'm not crazy... I'm just a little unwell, uh huh...

So,  It's been 9 months since my last post. Actually longer than that, because my last post was just a reprint of a poem I wrote in 2011. I've been off the grid since last fall; and if truth be told, I have been off the rails as well.

So, in a nut shell, here's an update.  September 2012, I went back to work as a job placement specialist with a rather large company in the GTA.  (11 branches plus a head office). It promised to be a nice gig, located in a small town about 45 minutes from my home - a short commute by GTA standards - and all country driving which was OK by me.  I did well.  Great in fact.  So great that I was transferred to another branch, a big city about 1.5 hours from my house. I moved into a "dark office" containing a cabinet of messy files and a back log of work that urgently needed attention.  Urgent does not even come close to describing the task I faced.  So, I hit the ground running, threw my body on top of the pile,  took on the whole mess and by the end of March, 2013, I had put all things to right. A hero? Na, not really.  T'wernt nothin, mam. Didn't hardly hurt a bit... just cost me my sanity.

In April, I had a chance to finally catch my breath, only to realize that I was exhausted; physically, mentally and emotionally.  I came to the realization that I was definitely IN THE WRONG JOB, in the wrong location and in an increasingly bad frame of mind. Everything that I learned about myself last summer had flown out the window, and I found my self on the highway to hell (literally on some days - it is Toronto after all) and heading to Anxiety Town, Panicville, with lengthy stop-overs at Depression Junction and closing in on Breakdown Valley. Perhaps a tad dramatic, but truly not by much.

Truth be told, I have NOT forgotten everything I learned last summer.  Actually, those lessons, plus my faith in God and my loving relationship with Jesus Christ is the glue that is holding me together. Without that, I would have shattered into a million pieces this time.  I say "this time" because I have been down this road before... several times in fact.  So, I am going to say something out loud to all of you and partially to myself for the first time.  I, Jan C, am a tad "crazy".  

Why does it not surprise me that those of you who are closest to me are rolling your eyes and saying "Noooooo.... really Jan???????????"  Maybe it was not that big of a secret.

Am I crazy?  Not sure want crazy actually is.  Let's consult the dictionary:

Adjective:  mentally deranged, esp. as manifested in a wild or aggressive way: " Jan went crazy and assaulted a the driver of a dump truck that could not drive more than 5 km/hr up a steep hill." (If fantasizing about doing that counts than, yes, I am crazy.)

Noun:  a mentally deranged person. (If working 12 hour days, ignoring the need to eat, use the bathroom or even pray for mercy means I am mentally deranged, then yes, I am crazy)

Synonyms: mad - insane - demented - daft - lunatic - nutty... well, with the possible and hopeful exception of demented and lunatic, I am pretty sure most of you have ascribed some of these synonyms to me at some point.

On the other hand,  The Free Dictionary by Farlex defines crazy this way:

2. Informal Departing from proportion or moderation, especially:

a. Possessed by enthusiasm or excitement: yup, definitely me  to a fault;

b. Immoderately fond; infatuated: "Jan is crazy about jewelry"..., guilty as charged;

c. Intensely involved or preoccupied about being excellent at everything, ya, that too.

d. Foolish or impractical; senseless: a crazy scheme for hitting the quarterly target... that  is me at my best (or worst, depending on the scheme, the outcome and the toll it takes on me).

So, am I crazy?  Let's cogitate on this a while and see where it takes me. Fasten your seat belts people; it's going to be a bumpy ride!

But I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know right now you can't tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired
I know right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be

Yeah, how I used to be
How I used to be
Well, I'm just a little unwell
How I used to be
How I used to be
I'm just a little unwell

                                    ~ Matchbox 20 Lyrics