I Will

Today is Dec. 6, 2012 - Day of National Action on Violence Against Women.  Marc Lépine entered the École Polytechnique de Montréal, on the afternoon of December 6, 1989. He had long complained about women working in non-traditional jobs, and after separating men and women in a classroom, he shot the women, claiming that he was fighting feminism. He then moved into other parts of the building, targeting women as he went, before killing himself.

I am shocked and disappointed that today, I did not hear one thing on the radio or television marking this day or the memory of the 13 women he killed.  Let's take a few moments to reflect on how we all must take responsibility bring and end to violence against women. 

I wrote this last year for an event that I attended.  Please read and take some time to reflect. 

I Will

I saw you on the street yesterday, pushed up against that wall,

cowering from the man who was in your face.

I caught your eye and at that moment, even though we could not speak, you pleaded with me to 

mind my business, that stepping in would only make things worse.

God it hurt to see you like that.

And I walked away, hating myself for feeling so powerless. 

And I vowed… never again!

I heard your screams through the wall, as he knocked you about. You begged, he yelled and the 
baby cried. So I called the police and they came. Took your man away.

The next day, you told me to mind my business.

Mind my business?  Sister, you are my business. Whether you like it or not.

You told me about the threats, the lies and the verbal abuse. You made excuses… and then 

more excuses and then then, you ran out of words.

One day , you came to an epiphany and finally got a clue.

You asked:

Who will listen without judgement or blaming and just let me cry it out?

And I said:  “I will”

You asked:

Who will tell me the truth, when I kid myself  into believing that he won’t do it again?

And I said:  “I will”

Who will remind me that I am worthy of love, respect and happiness?

And I said “I will”

Who will remind me that the abuse is not my fault and it not going to get better or go away on its own?

And I said:  “I will”

Who will take me and the baby in when I need a safe place to be?

And I said:  “I will”

Who will promise not to give up on me when I just can’t stay away from him.

And I said: “I will”

Who will steer me to the helpers, the protectors and the resources that can get me out of this mess?

And I said: “I will”

And I did. I made you my business. And I’m glad.

I saw you the other day, looking beautiful, bright, laughing and strong!  And I thought,

 “Man, she’s got it together at last.”

I caught your eye and at that moment, even though we could not speak,

you pleaded with me to reach out and ask for your help, but I was too ashamed to admit my 

secret.

God it hurt to see you doing so well,

when all I could do was walk away, hating myself for being so powerless.

You heard my  screams through the wall, as he knocked me about.

The kids were crying and things were flying.

You called the police and they came.  Took my man away. 

I tried to tell you, “Mind your business!”

And you said:

Mind my business?  Sister, you are my business. Whether you like it or not.

You reminded me about the threats, the lies and the verbal abuse.

How someone reached out and told you the truth:

 No Woman Has to Live Like This!

That was my  epiphany and I finally got a clue.

And I reached out and asked for your help.

 I asked:

Who will listen without judgement and just let me cry it out?

And you said:  “I will”

Who will tell me the truth, when I kid myself  into believing that he won’t do it again?

And you said: “I will”

Who will remind me that the abuse is not my fault and it not going to get better or go away on its own?

And you  said:  “I will”

Who will remind me that I am worthy of love, respect and happiness?

And you  said:  “I will”

Who will promise not to give up on me when I just can’t stay away from him.

And you said: “I will”

Who will take me and the kids in when I need a safe place to be?

And you said: “I will”

Who will steer me to the helpers, the protectors and the resources that can get me out of this mess?

And you said: “I will”

And you did and I love you.

Sisters, thanks for making me your business.

Ways to help a friend who you know is being abused.

1. Talk to your friend about healthy relationships, about how abuse is not normal and about the type of relationships she deserves. Emphasize that the abuse is not her fault and that it is not going to get better or go away on its own.
2. Listen as your friend confides in you about her abuse. Let her know that you care about her and that you want to help. Never judge your friend or try to place blame, according to the National Domestic Violence Hotline, and never stick up for her abuser. Understand that you cannot solve her problems for her, but you can support her.
3. Encourage your friend to talk to a domestic violence outreach worker or counsellor. Offer to help her find someone to talk to and to come along if she chooses. Professional domestic violence workers are likely to have access to resources and tools that you don't and can provide tips to keep everyone safe.
4. Be a part of your friend's safety plan. Encourage her to pack her most important belongings in a suitcase and leave it at your house so she's ready to leave whenever she has to. HelpGuide.org recommends she have clothing, money, important documents and emergency contacts in her safety kit.
5. Don't withdrawal your support if your friend makes a decision you don't like or decides to go back to her abuser. Abuse takes a toll mentally, physically and emotionally on women and she may make several attempts before she is able to leave. Her abuser also may be threatening her or her family, so she may decide to take some time and regroup or rethink her strategy. Support her during those times as well.
6. Call the police immediately if you witness abuse or if she calls you to tell you that her partner's currently abusing her. Don't hesitate and don't try to go to her house to break things up. It is never a good idea to confront her abuser because he could harm you or take his anger out on her, because you got involved.