An Adjective by Any Other Name...

It seems that my body must now be described with all sorts of new adjectives. Some parts (such as my derriere)  have expanded.  According to the nice lady at Additionelle   ~[full figure fashion store] ~ my booty has a new adjective: awsomely delicious. A little confusing and a tad uncomfortable, yes, but compared to my own assessment of my largest asset, a very positive adjective indeed.

Other areas of my body have started to succumb to the earth's gravitational pull, so adjectives such as saggy and droopy have attached themselves (literally) to my boobs, tummy, eyelids and even my awesomely delicious derriere.  It makes a girl want to cry.

I just spent the past 2 weekends assembling a new wardrobe in preparation for a return to work.  Thankfully, I have not moved up a size, but disappointingly, clothing just does not fit the way it used to.  I yearn for the days of yore when I was reasonably fit and did not have to wear any clothing size followed with an X or worse yet, multiple X's.  What does that X stand for anyway, Xena, Warrior Princess?

You know, that is not such a bad idea.  The next time I go shopping for underwear, I'm going to ask the store clerk to lead me over to the Xena Princess Warrior underwear rack. "I'm looking for a size double XPW please." And when she gives me that "Who do you think you're kidding? " look, I'll whip out my sword and lop off her head.

My worst shopping experience so far has been at the shoe store.  God blessed me with a big heart, a tender soul, and big, wide flat feet.  The shoe industry does not make a shoe that fits a size 8.5, DDD Extra Wide in the front and narrow in the heel foot.  Why me God, why me?

And don't get me started on my calves.  Buying winter boots is a hideous chore for me, as well as Eric (who chauffeurs me from store to store, listening to my rants about conspiracy theories and the fashion industry), and the poor shoe sales person who has to risk their life as they kneel at my feet and try to zip a pair leather boots around my "massive" calves.  Yes, I said "massive" calves.  This is the actual adjective that a young man used as he rammed my feet into a pair of tall leather boots.  I used a few adjectives of my own as I explained why his lapse of judgement had cost him a sale.

So, what is the point of this blog, besides lamenting my ongoing fight with fashion. I'm sure there was a spiritual moral somewhere, but failing that, I want to share some adjectives from another blog that I used to write called My Little Black Dress:

Sunday, March 1, 2009

I will not succumb to the tyranny of the measuring tape

I am amazing. I am awesome. I am beautiful. I am bright. I am creative. I am corny. I am delightful. I am determined. I am edgy. I am eating healthy. I am friendly. I AM FINE. I am grateful. I am gorgeous! I am healthier. I am happy. I am idealistic. I am I. I am Jan (duh!) I am jolly (not just 'cause I'm fat). I am kind. I am kind of cool. I am lovely. I am lucky (to have you as my friend). I am mommy, ma, mother and ma ma. I am MAD!!!(in that British kind of way). I am nice. I am naughty. I am open-minded. I am Oh sooo cool! I am polite. I am plumpy. I am Quite MAD (in a pi**ed off sort of way). I am Qute (made that one up.) I am Reaching past my toes which means I am flexible) I am Really Really determined to go the distance. I am Sista to my friends and Sister to my Sista's. I am a Silly-billy (for caring about the scale and measuring tape). I am terrific! I am tired of being fat. I am understanding. I am un-defeated! I am voluptuous. I am Very Very MAD!!! (in that British, pi**ed off kind of way) I am WOMAN!!!  I am Xcited that this diatribe is almost done. I am eXcellent. I am young at heart. I am yawning. I am ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ.

That's all from this chique, classy, cool, chick.

It's me, Jan